Friday, May 16, 2003

 

The Front Page Reloaded

(BLOOM, a chubby man in his forties, in spotlight.)

BLOOM
As the publisher of a major metropolitan high-school newspaper, I have a great deal of responsibility. I’m molding the reporters of tomorrow, shaping their ethics. Sometimes it feels like the future of American journalism is in these hands. That’s why I always carry a bottle of moisturizing lotion...
(Lights up on BLOOM’s Classroom. BLOOM, at his desk, and MYRTLE, a student. BLOOM holds some pages.)

BLOOM
Okay, um, Myrtle, this isn’t a news article. This is character assassination.

MYRTLE
Yeah but it’s all true assassination.

BLOOM
Really, well let’s see, let’s start with your opening thesis.

MYRTLE
Yeah?

BLOOM
You contend that Michelle Robertson is an asshat.

MYRTLE
Yeah.

BLOOM
Well that’s the sort of thing that’s difficult to verify. Partially because I’m not sure what -- does that mean she has a hat made from ass?

MYRTLE
I’ve been very close to the subject, I can vouch for it.

BLOOM
And then you have three paragraphs accusing her of setting off something called “buttcrackers.”

MYRTLE
And I have recordings.

BLOOM
Okay, I’m gonna come right to the point.
(Pause.)

MYRTLE
Yeah?

BLOOM
That was it.

MYRTLE
Oh.

BLOOM
I thought my silence spoke volumes.

MYRTLE
It didn’t really say that much to me.

MORE...

UPI, May 16, 2003; French Official Suggests Slurs Planted

posted by Dan 11:23 PM
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Thursday, May 15, 2003

 

The Night of Phases

(MATT and MARK, two guys in suits, talk to the audience, as if at a school assembly.)

MATT
We’re really glad to be speaking here today, glad your school brought us here. Boys, today, we want to talk to you today about making the right choices in life. We're going to explain it by telling you about something that neither of us are proud of.

MARK
Nope.

MATT
We were sixteen, we were bored.

MARK
We were way bored.

MATT
This was before your X-boxes and your three hundred cable channels.

MARK
We had ColecoVisions, and only five or sometimes six channels.

MATT
So we’re talking real boredom here, but still, even with the boredom, I’m not proud of what we did.

MARK
We got into his car and drove.

MATT
Drove around for a while until we came to the Fred Meyer.

MARK
Your one-stop shopping center.

MATT
Now we weren’t there to buy beer.

MARK
Because we didn’t have fake IDs.

MATT
Because we didn’t drink beer.

MARK
Right, no beer. No weed or ephedrine either.

MATT
We were just going to wander around the Fred Meyer, maybe buy a candy bar. I know, sounds dull, but we were boooored.

MARK
Yeah we wandered all around that place.

MATT
Then we joked -- and I want to emphasize *joked* -- about going to the pharmacy, to see if they had any drugs for sale.

MARK
It was a good joke, he had a good sense of humor.

MATT
And then we saw the little yellow box that would be our downfall that night.

MARK
Vivarin. Undoubtedly a drug. Unquestionably legal.

MATT
But a drug.

MARK
Yeah.

MATT
We were bored, we had nothing to do.

MARK
But if we were just bored, we could’ve just kept walking around the Fred Meyers, but this was a kind of doorway, this little yellow box, to adventure, yes a silly, stupid adventure, but an adventure.

MATT
We know, adventure is very appealing

MARK
Besides, the pharmacist at the counter was named “Viva,” it was a sign.

MORE...

Time Magazine, May 4, 2003; Why Men Die Young

posted by Dan 1:34 PM
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