Thursday, November 20, 2003

 

Scare Tactics

Okay, there’s a lot I don’t understand about the Entertainment World, you know, that one on E!* Like Jenna Elfman. How exactly does she know Bugs and Daffy? Did they meet at a party? But that’s not what this is about.

So there’s this guy Clay Aiken. He was a runner up on American Idol, and he’s got a big album. He’s one of those unthreatening pretty-boy singers that tween-and-teen girls go jelloey for. Good for him. Fine work, if you can get it.

He said in an interview that he doesn’t like cats, that he ran over a kitten when he was sixteen, and he believes the spirit of that kitten haunts him. Weird, but no weirder than anyone else’s crap.

PETA took umbrage at this remark. They don’t like people who run over cats. It’s unclear whether or not kitty’s death was an accident, but it doesn’t really matter for my purposes. The point is, PETA is blackmailing him. If he doesn’t make a public apology and stump for neutering pets, they’re going to...release an ad campaign wherein Clay Aiken’s manhood is questioned by a puppet dog. The horror...the horror...

But it is the horror to Mr. Aiken. He called out his lawyers. And my question, which illustrates how I don’t understand about the Entertainment World, is this: why is he upset about this stupid poster? Isn’t his fame based on a persona that is unthreatening to young ladies? That he’s a sort of eunuch (in a good way) who would be perfectly happy to cuddle, just to be with YOOOOOU BAAAAA-AAAAA-BEEEEEEE?

I don’t know if that’s what his songs are like.

So anyway, this poster just confirms that persona, correct? He may be Don Juan meets James Bond in real life, but we’re talking public image.

Leave that aside for the moment. PETA has backed off slightly. They’re on sound First Amendment territory, but they’ve got a bad rep. Who knows what judge and jury might do. So their lawyers are talking to his lawyers. They will reach a compromise.

This next part is for Clay Aikens only. Those of you who aren’t Clay Aikens, enjoy this picture of Jenna Elfman.



Okay, Clay, now that we’ve gotten rid of the riff-raff, brass tacks, baby. Now isn’t the time for compromise. You’ve got these jerks at PETA off-balance, now’s the time to throw the left hook. These scumbags insulted your manhood, Clay. They didn’t even have the guts to insult you themselves, they had to speak through Triumph-the-frickin’-boner-glove.

Here’s what you do, Clay. Go on the offensive. Blackmail them. Like a pretty-boy from history, Alexander the Great, you can turn the enemy’s best-laid plans to catastrophe, shoeing your horse in their entrails.

I’ve taken the liberty of writing a PSA for you, to distribute to all the media outlets. It’s going to take balls to do this PSA, Clay, but that’s what this is all about: whether or not you got balls. If you want to use my script, just send me a check for $2,750.00, the total budget for my upcoming production. Give ‘em hell, Clay.

PSA FOR CLAY AIKENS





* when you say E! aloud to a friend, do you have to respect the exclamation point?

ME
Did you check out that special about jenna elfman, it’s on E!

FRIEND
I think the bartender’s going to cut you off.

And is that an old joke?

posted by Dan 2:01 PM
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Wednesday, November 19, 2003

 

I YAM DISGUSTAPATED!

CNN.com, Nov. 18, 2003: Massachusetts court strikes down ban on same-sex marriage


Massachusetts! How could you?! Don’t you know that marriage is a sacred act?

”Romance and reality intertwine as 14 beautilful [sic] women from across Europe descend on an Italian villa for a whirlwind romance with a dashing stud whom they think is worth $80 million. What will happen when the truth is finally revealed that he's just David Smith, 24, rodeo cowboy who earns $11k a year?”

A privilege reserved only for the worthy!

LOS ANGELES - Anthony Pellicano, the private eye to the stars who is to report to prison this week, was married during a small weekend ceremony in Las Vegas, the Los Angeles Times reported...

...It was the fifth marriage for the 59-year-old private eye and the first for DeLucio, 42. Pellicano was to begin his sentence Monday for possessing illegal explosives and hand grenades.

A sober, contemplative state, its complexities understood only by compassionate experts!

CORVALLIS, Ore. (AP) — Investigators in Corvallis have arrested a local marriage counselor on charges of rape and sexual abuse...

..."My Chinese mail-order bride has charged me with sexual assault," Jones said Tuesday afternoon. "The charges are absurd, and I intend to defend myself against them vigorously."...

...[Sheriff’s Detective Chris] Gore said he asked Jones why he didn't look for a wife in the United States, and "he said he didn't want to marry for love — he wanted to find a wife who will 'respect' him." [emphasis mine, mine, do you hear?!]

Besides, don’t you know that people only get married to pump out children?!

Lisa Casablanca Simmons, 36, knows what it's like to be poked with questions about the choice she made as a teenager not to have children. Married for 14 years, Simmons said her husband's family first thought she was selfish.

But Simmons sees her decision as rooted in not just honest self-assessment — she thinks she would make a "terrible mom" because she's not very patient — but also selflessness.

"Isn't it selfish to bring an unwanted child into this world?" says Simmons, who lives in Los Angeles. "We're doing right by not bringing an unwanted child into the world."

See?! Marriage is for duped Europeans, rodeo cowboys, shady PIs, mail-order brides, and people who don’t want kids! BUT NOT THE overtly GAY!

ERGH! BLEAMP! GLAXO!

posted by Dan 12:25 PM
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Monday, November 17, 2003

 

HOT SEXY ACTION!

Sort of.

The Rattlestick Playwrights Theater's production of Lucy Thurber's Where We're Born features one of the most talented ensembles I've seen in many a year. I'm not just saying that because my friend Jason Pugatch is in the show. But he is sporting a handlebar moustache, and that always helps the art.

One of the actresses in the show looked a little like my high-school girlfriend, which was hilarious and disturbing. Especially when her character's high-school boyfriend is described as a skinny geek. My God, it was like I was in the play! They're reading my mind! Where's the collander? I must fashion a protective helmet.

The cast did a great job of evoking small-town Western Mass. At least it jibed with my brief experiences there. Man, do those people drink. But one question? Why did the characters consume no Jaegermeister? As I remember, it practically flowed from the tap in West Mass. Peppermint Schnapps did make an appearance though. That is key.

And as for Road House: The Brawlsical? Funny, but messy. I wish I'd liked it more.

UPDATE: I am a silly person. Of course, no cast exists in a vacuum. Kudos to Will Frears for his deft touch from the directors chair, and Lucy Thurber for all those little details that evoked West Mass for me.

posted by Dan 12:18 PM
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I have crossed the Rubicon.

Last night I plunked down a rent-load of money to rent the Red Room on East 4th Street for the second and third week of February 2004. I‘m producing a night of goddamn theatre.

The title? Lil Pervs. An evening of love outside the boundaries. Short plays by myself and others TBA.

My play will be Nothing To Do Without You, a one-act I developed on this here blog. A first? I’d like to think so. Anyway, a blog is just as reliable a system as a regular play development program.

Think about it. In a play development program with a theatre company, you write the play, hold a reading, and a bunch of strangers comment. In a blog development, you write the play, post it, and a bunch of strangers comment. All at everyone’s convenience. And no empty promises of production stringing you along.

Sure, there aren’t any actors involved, but who needs those? In the future, we playwrights will have virtual celebrity puppets to mouth our lines. Let’s see, who do I want to do a reading of my missionaries-in-Laos play? Who’s the flavor of the month?

[goes to check IMDB]

Jessica Alba! Perfect! She’s a Dark Angel!

Or maybe I’ll just use the prototype virtual celebrity, Paris Hilton.

Was I talking about something?

Oh yes, my production. It’s been a few years since I produced. Going back feels a bit like learning to walk again. So I’m scared as well as excited. I’ll report here with updates, and you can check out the production website. I can’t guarantee naked photos of the actors, but I will try.

As this guy says, onward.

posted by Dan 11:03 AM
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