Venal Scene

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Forgive Me, Father, For I Have Flamed

So a Christian Magazine and the UK Methodists, with the help of the the Bishop of London, opened an online, 3-D virtual church. This was a good idea, because it's hard to find a real church, especially in London.

The avatars appeared as cartoon characters, and they chatted with each other in thought bubbles. This was a good idea, because nothing bespeaks spiritual truth like a balloon popping from the head of what looks like Beavis's well-bred cousin.

The faithful could wander about the whole church, exchange spiritual gems, and preach to the assembled. This was a good idea, because internet conversation is just like a Quaker meeting, full of politeness and sober reflection.

As you can imagine, the peaceful sanctuary of reflection lasted the space of half an hour. Foulmouthed trolls inundated the churches with expletive-riddled messages, appearing faster than the web pastors could smite them. I'm not using the word "smite" idly, either. That's how the web pastors kick a visitor off the server, with a "smite" button. Old Testaments die hard.

I am shocked, shocked, that such a thing would happen. Who doesn't love Christianity? Certainly, all of the congregants would have something positive to say, because no one, BUT NO ONE, has a bone to pick, especially not the legions of internet satirists, raving blogging atheists, or the angry, alienated 12-18 year-olds that make up 65% of all virtual-world aficionados, the ones with "KRIST SUX" tattooed in the small of their back. They'll just looooove it.

(And with that extended looooove I buried the needle on my Sarcasmeter)

So now, less than a week after this open Christian forum launched, the honchos have revoked the laity's ability to speak to the congregation, and only approved speakers are allowed near the pulpit. It took real-world Christians 300 years to achieve the same restrictions, but everything happens faster in cyberspace.

I wish I could've sat down with the Bishop and his team of designers when they first started hammering out this idea.

DAN, DISGUISED AS A BISHOP:
Fellow Christianitists, there's a little play I saw about cyberspace. It taught me that, when freed from the restrictions of reality and palpable consequences, people really do let their inner jerk run free. I love the idea of gathering our flock on the web, but let's remember that, on the net, the wolves run the show.

Therefore, we must be the greater wolves. My dear Angli-cantaloupes, we must revive the Catholic tradition of The Inquisition. Anyone spreading heretical messages in our churches must have their IP numbers tracked to the source, their foul computers burned, and their mouse-hands cut off and fed to the kites. Bring out the virtual racks! Make my avatar look like F. Murray Abraham in The Name of the Rose! What say you, Bishop of London?!

Okay, maybe that wouldn't be a good idea.

UPDATE: I wrote that the Bishop of London had started the site, but he just gave the first sermon, as a sort of celebrity guest. My apologies for the error. I blame the liberal media.

posted by Dan 12:07 PM
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