Venal Scene

Friday, March 18, 2005

Why I Stay In This Ridiculous Business I'll Never Know

by Guest Blogger Alisha McKinney

I had an audition for a Columbia Grad School student
film the other day. The script was a B-grade BOYS
DON'T CRY: Female-to-male transexual (named David)
goes on date with Regular Girl. One thing leads to
another, Regular Girl starts going south, discovers a
sock instead of a cock, freaks. Montage: Long,
solitary walks; answering machine message lights
blinking, unanswered (She/He staring at phone, too
hurt to pick up). Cue predictable "YOU JUST DON'T
UNDERSTAND ME!" tearfest followed by equally
predictable reconciliation. And... SCENE.

The first person I meet is David, the writer/director,
who just so happens to bear a striking resemblance to
his main character. (But instead of looking like a
man, David seems more like a slightly butch lesbian.)
After some awkward small talk (I can't help but wonder
if he's had his breasts removed like in the script),
David mentions that he's having the reader do a
"specific technique". I soon discover that by
"specific technique", he means Reading. Every. Word.
Like. This. Each word is said in monotone with a
two-second pause between each one. It's not unlike
reading with a robot.

Needless to say, I become extraordinarily focused on
getting the hell out of there. I'm edging toward the
door when I hear, "I want you to do it again, but this
time... Maintain your INTEGRITY as a WOMAN".

She/He is clearly pleased with this bit of direction
and continues muttering it to himself while I stand
there and pretend to have any idea how to play that. I
must look confused because he adds helpfully, "Just
take it... however it MEANS to YOU."

What it means to me is do it louder. I push through
(trying not to stare out the window or check my cell
phone during the interminally long robot passages),
get done, grab my stuff, Thankyougoodtomeetyoubye, and
- "Let's do it again, but this time... Retain your
SENSE of SELF."

Oh sweet baby Jesus. I start again, tuff-tuff-tuff
(fast-fast-fast), grab my stuff and haul my ass out of
there before he can give another arcane bit of
direction. I swear, it was like being on an endless,
bad first date. With a transexual.

posted by Dan 11:00 AM
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Said Last Night While Driving in Outer Brooklyn

"On second thought, let's not go down Sniper Boulevard."

posted by Dan 10:38 AM
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