Saturday, June 11, 2005

 

Rise of the Machines

I spent the day preparing for, executing, and mopping up after my daughter's end-of-school party. Absolutely uninteresting to you, I'm sure; except that during the third phase, I came across this promotional pamphlet in my vintage Oster icer:


OsterMania! Click for larger view

Let me point you to the highlights.

Okay, remember Wile E. Coyote, from the Road Runner cartoons? Remember the one he did with Bugs Bunny, where he talked? Remember how Bugs Bunny whacked him on the noodle? Remember how he grew one of those column-lumps on his head? Remember how he placed a "lump massager" at the top of said lump?

I thought those guys in Termite Alley made this stuff up. And you know the kids were grabbing these things, strapping them on their hands, and disintegrating puny earthlings left and right.

But I honestly miss this sort of design. I mean, there's no mistaking, that's a machine on your hand, built by Science, with an assist by Progress. Sure, it'll give you carpal tunnel, but there's no mistaking it baby: industry built this thing to massage my hand, by God. Keep your delicate froo-froo Frenchie fingers to yourself, Cherie. Give me stainless steel stat. More voltage! I want a mini whack-a-mole on my buttocks!

If only they made one that looked like a purty gurl...

Did you notice the model names?



"MASAGETT designed especially for milady but enjoyed by men as well"...Indeed, never fear, chaps, it won't turn you into a certain sort, if you know what I mean, cough NOEL COWARD cough.

Over on the right, beautiful Sunny is sporting the latest in brain-amplification technology.





The definition of "portable" certainly has changed in the last few decades, hasn't it? Points to the ladies of that era for having the guts to stick their heads in one of these. One crossed wire and it's scrambled eggs à tête. Hair Salons must have been the thrill-addict's habitat. Dude, get ready for the 'hive of your life.



I think Oster was trying to move from the kitchen to the bedroom. HA-CHAH!

Once-upon-a-time there was no problem a machine couldn't take care of, no process a machine couldn't improve. I guess this is what fueled Luddite rage up until the microchip era. "They make machines that vibrate your fingers for you: THE INHUMANITY!" In our era of nano-phobia and cloning debates, it seems quaint to think that this hand-toaster was going to end us all.

Does anyone know where I can get the Masagett?

posted by Dan 10:19 PM
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Tuesday, June 07, 2005

 

Free-Floating Ad Copy

It's about PASSION. It's about POWER. It's about LIFE.

It's about INSIGHT.

It's not just about BREAKING THE RULES, it's about CHANGING THE RULES FOREVER (forever subject to availability)

Design. Comfort. Style.

It's about taking the WORLD by BOTH HANDS, and SHAKING it until it CRIES.

It's about TIME. It's about YOU. It's about BEING THERE.

Being there when you NEED us.

Being there when you lost OUR NUMBER.

Put us on your "don't call" list -- we'll still BE THERE.

Access, opportunity, vision, trust, opportunity: certainty.

In an ever-changing marketplace, who can you trust to be there when the market changes? Market-changing specialists will MARKET CHANGE for our clients IN REAL TIME trust.

Who is the NUMBER ONE to us?...ACCESS

Have you sampled our latest organic JAMS?

posted by Dan 1:14 PM
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