Monday, July 02, 2007

 

You’ve Received an Ecard From a School-Mate!

EMAIL
You’ve received an Ecard from a school-mate!

ME
Really. Who?

EMAIL
From Josh!

ME
I knew three Joshes in school. Which one?

EMAIL
From Mark!

ME
Four Marks.

EMAIL
Mark S!

ME
Mark S-who?

EMAIL
From Candi!

ME
I assure you, any girl from school named Candi had nothing to do with me. And nice use of lascivious italics, email.

EMAIL
You’ve received an Ecard from a family member!

ME
I think we both know that’s pretty unlikely.

EMAIL
You have!

ME
For one thing, I don’t have any family in Russia. Your domain is “.ru”.

EMAIL
Silly! Our Ecard company is from Russia.

ME
So you’re saying that my family used a Russian Ecard service.

EMAIL
Da!

ME
The same people that haven’t figured out how to unnest a forwarded attachment.

EMAIL
You’ve received an Ecard from a friend!

ME
You should’ve gone with that subject header first. Come on, “school-mate”? Did I board at the academy in Newton-On-Idjitshire? Honestly, who’s stupid enough to open these emails?

EMAIL
You’ve receive an Ecard from a theatre company!

ME
Ooo! Is it Manhattan Theatre Club?! I knew they’d finally come around! [opens]

EMAIL
HOT FOR YOU RUSSIAN BABES VIAGRA CIALIS 0437742 WRGL ZZR FATAL EXCEPTION ERROR

Labels: dialogue, technology

posted by Dan 3:35 PM
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Wednesday, June 20, 2007

 

No One Here Except Us Monsters

a selection from
STOLEN SCREAM
a supernatural noir

CHARACTERS IN SELECTION
NERÓN, male 30s, Colombian, efficient and devoted.
EDVARD, male 40s (played by a woman), old-fashioned in manners, a slight Swedish accent
TIEF, male 20s-30s, a contraband dealer

An empty, abandoned hangar.
Wind howls perpetually outside.
Pool of light, center. An easel, with a canvas, covered by a sheet. A chair.
[NERÓN has been instructed by his employer to receive a painting from a shady dealer, TIEF, who seems insane. NERÓN has also been told not to look at the painting.]

NERÓN (on cell phone:)
Yes ma'am I think it’s here, but you shouldn't come until I
Yes ma'am.

Hangs up.

NERÓN (cont’d, to TIEF:)
I’m taking possession of the painting.

EDVARD enters, wearing a hat, behind NERÓN.

NERÓN (cont'd, still to TIEF:)
If it is not the painting my employer requested, I will

TIEF (singing, taunting:)
You don't know what it is, you don't know what it is, you don't know what it is

EDVARD
Ignore him. He is not well.

NERÓN
Who are you?

EDVARD
Harmless, I assure you sir. I merely accompany the painting.

NERÓN (to TIEF:)
Who is this?

TIEF looks around.

TIEF
Gone, gone, Thank God, gone

NERÓN
Fool, who is this man?

TIEF walks away.

NERÓN
Where are you going?

TIEF
Little walk.

NERÓN
Fool, you haven't got your payment yet.

TIEF
Just stretching my legs a little bit, a little solitude, thank God, I can be all alone in a room as big as this.

TIEF is gone.

EDVARD
Let him take his walk. He is harmless I assure you. I give you my word, as a gentleman. You’re the new owner?

NERÓN
I’m keeping it for her.

EDVARD
I don’t understand, you must be the new owner.

NERÓN
The fool gave it to me, so yes, for now, it’s in my hands.

EDVARD
Ah yes of course.

NERÓN
Answer me now: Who are you?

EDVARD
A good question. I can tell you that this is my painting.

NERÓN
The painting belongs to my employer now.

EDVARD
By which I mean, I painted this painting.

NERÓN
You're the artist?

EDVARD
Essentially, yes. What sort of woman is she, your employer and her husband?

NERÓN
Her husband is dead.

EDVARD
Oh, my sincere condolences. But I would like to know the widow's character, if I may. Perhaps she is a woman that is content. Perhaps she is happy and has always been happy.

NERÓN
She’ll keep your masterpiece safe. Go away now.

EDVARD
Please, reassure me sir, tell me that she has no regrets.

NERÓN
I wouldn’t know.

EDVARD
She does. She has regrets. I can see it in your eyes.
No, no she will not do

NERÓN
The painting is not yours anymore.

EDVARD
You don't understand, I cannot go through this yet again

NERÓN
Let me explain to you: I learned secret torture methods from the police in Colombia. I was taught how a man may lose most of his body without losing consciousness. I can do this unaided by the tools of men.

EDVARD
I have no doubt that you are capable of extraordinary violence, sir, and I am suitably impressed.

NERÓN
I'm only extraordinary when harm is meant to her.

EDVARD
Ah I see. You are a knight, lost in the modern world. There are few left like you. You have regrets but, also great will. I might be most fortunate in making your acquaintance first.
Certainly I may sit until she comes? Certainly there is no harm in that? I am no threat to a man of your physique. As a fellow foreigner to these United States, I ask you, allow me to wait. If your employer can dismiss me, then I shall go, gladly.

NERÓN
This is why I don't like art, the artists.

EDVARD
Sir. May I ask a favor of you? I would greatly appreciate it, if you were to look at my painting.

NERÓN
I was instructed not to.

EDVARD
By her? Yes of course. Though, wouldn't you agree, this presents a sizable risk on her part? For these sorts of transactions, you ought to be fully informed.

NERÓN
Why don't you go off somewhere and paint?

EDVARD
All of that is past now.

NERÓN
So you follow this one around?

EDVARD
I am forever with this one.

NERÓN
You're a weird man.

EDVARD
My whole life has been spent walking by the side of a bottomless chasm.

A cry from the darkness.
Silence. NERÓN tries to see out there.

NERÓN
Who's there?! You, fool, is that you?

Silence.
NERÓN exits.
NERÓN returns.

NERÓN (cont’d)
That fool is dead.

EDVARD
That is unfortunately not surprising.

NERÓN
How?

EDVARD
Very likely a heart attack. He was not a well man.

NERÓN
What's going on?

EDVARD
I would like to tell you. Sir, I would like to.

Beat.
NERÓN removes the sheet, looks at the painting. Yes, he knows it.

EDVARD
People always ask the artist, "Where do you get your ideas?" Very often there is no answer. But in this case. I was walking along the road with two friends. Below me was the fjord. The sun set. I felt a tinge of melancholy. Suddenly, the sky became a bloody red. I stopped, leaned against the railing. And I looked at the flaming clouds that hung like blood and a sword over the blue-black fjord and city. My friends walked on. I stood there, trembling with fright. And I felt a loud, unending scream piercing nature. That is what I painted, you can see, the clouds like real blood. The colors, themselves, scream.

NERÓN
I've seen this.

EDVARD
My name is Edvard Munch. This is my painting, "The Scream."

end selection

Labels: dialogue, theatre

posted by Dan 5:38 PM
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Thursday, June 07, 2007

 

The Mummy Comes to Richmond

[From Act 1 of Early Poe]

(Richmond, 1823.
The Senate Chambers of the Capitol.
An open sarcophagus on display. EDGAR stands with FANNY, looking in.)

FANNY
Putrid.

EDGAR
He smells sweet.

FANNY
They’ll have to air out the chambers. Don’t breathe it in too deeply.

EDGAR
He’s a mummy, he’s not poisonous.

FANNY
I simply can't bear to look at it anymore.

(She looks at it some more.)

FANNY (cont'd)
I suppose it's cultural. What does it say on the coffin?

EDGAR
Sarcophagus.

FANNY
What does the mummy sarcophagus say?

EDGAR
No one knows. No one reads hieroglyphics.

FANNY
Don't keep the salacious Egyptian story from me. Is it savage? Is it a scandal?

EDGAR
Yes of course.

FANNY
Men always brag. I'll wager it says “My penis was huge.”

EDGAR
Ma, what are you - ?! Someone could come in here!

FANNY
You’re in a mood. Very well, let’s have one of your inventions, then. Please don't make it morbid, though.

EDGAR
He is dead.

FANNY
Have him meet a milkmaid behind a pyramid. But these are the Senate chambers, so don't go into too much detail when he bends her over the sphinx.

EDGAR
Ugh! for God's sake!

FANNY
Why are you so precious about natural activities?

EDGAR
I don’t like vulgar jokes.

FANNY
You must hear them all the time in that little cadet group -

EDGAR
The Junior Volunteers, and we're not a little cadet group, we’re soldiers.

FANNY
You can’t march with soldiers, if you don’t want to hear -

EDGAR
I have to do something with my time now!

(Beat.)

FANNY
I know I’m a poor substitute for a tutor. I’m glad we could come down together, to see this.

EDGAR (re: the mummy)
It says he was a Count. He wrote a book. He wished to see if it would become a classic, so he had himself embalmed alive in order to wake up five hundred years later -

(JANE enters. She is in her bedclothes, but wearing a hat. Several ribbons are tied on her arms.
A long silence. EDGAR and FANNY: what now?
JANE stares right through them.
Finally:)

FANNY
Mrs. Stanard. It's been so many months -

JANE
Months, months, months, months, months...

FANNY
The Judge said that -

JANE
You’re behind on your lessons, Edgar.

EDGAR
I didn't need any more lessons -

FANNY
Eddie, let me please. Mrs. Stanard, I'm afraid there's only one group allowed in here at a time -

JANE
Did you know that mummies have their brains and bowels removed? Just like our neighbors. Neighbors on their high horses. They call them neigh-bors, nay nay never play in the red river river red...

I'm sorry. I only came to -- a book. One quick book I brought him.

FANNY
Very well, give it.

JANE
I've forgotten it at home.

EDGAR
Ma, perhaps I should escort her -

FANNY
Mrs. Stanard, where is your husband?

JANE
No you can't take advantage of my weakness.

EDGAR
She lives right outside, on the Square.

FANNY
My son is busy.

JANE
Please, Robby isn't allowed around me. Edgar -

FANNY
Edgar won’t be joining you in such a state, Mrs. Stanard.

JANE
Ah, yes, protect him, wrap him in bandages -

FANNY
Oh, I apologize for protecting him. But you see, I have to do that sort of thing myself. I'm not married to a judge. Oh, I wish I had my own carriage to ride around in, letting myself fall apart. How many servants do you have? Eight? Ten? We have none of that. We're orphans, my family. My husband. My boy. They thirst for affection. You have taken advantage of our weakness.

JANE
Yes. I did that.
Ophelia's over me every day now. In her red. Doctors say it's a fever. But she's grow growing and show showing her red gown in my head dead marble-led in red marble -- I'm sorry sorry -

EDGAR (over:)
Jane.

FANNY
She’s not your concern. She can find a negro to escort her.

JANE
No! When they see her, with blood running down, they'll help her kill me!

FANNY
You’re imagining -

JANE
Ophelia told me last night. Over my bed she hovered as I lay uncovered...she told me Mrs. Allan’s afraid of her, because of what she stole from her.

FANNY
Eddie, we're leaving.

JANE
She stole you away from your real Ma, Edgar. With apples. She had none of her own to feed, so every day, she brought an apple to the boutique you were rooming above, and fed it to you little love. While your ma was sick, you ate it up quick, yum yum, come come away with me little boy, she said, come home with me, chew on a bone, while upstairs alone, Ophelia chokes awhile, on blood and bile.

FANNY
No. It wasn't like that.

JANE
Edgar. Come. Ophelia and I require you.

FANNY
It wasn’t, angel.

(Pause.)

EDGAR
Mrs. Stanard...perhaps someone outside might be employed to assist you.

(Beat.
JANE takes the ribbons off.)

JANE
I won't protect you from myself. No, no more.

FANNY
Leave us alone.

JANE
We’ll drag you down with us, yes. We’ll tie you up tight and pull you down with our bandages -

(She pushes the ribbons into FANNY.)

FANNY
Get off me!

(EDGAR pulls JANE off.)

EDGAR
That's enough! Now you go, you go on home now! Pa and I, we decided. You're -- I don't want to play this game anymore. You don't see my mother. That's all made-up. I was playing a game with you.

JANE
Ophelia -

EDGAR
She's not real.

JANE
You told me she was your Ma.

EDGAR
This is my Ma.
Go on now.

JANE
Thus spoke the chief executioner.

(She exits, slowly.)

EDGAR
God forgive me...

FANNY
Look at me. Look at me here, look.
You will meet a lovely young lady, with curly brown hair. You will wave your handkerchiefs at each other. You will sing beautifully as she plays the pianoforte. You will marry her, and treasure her always, and have lovely curly-headed children. I've decided.

Labels: dialogue, theatre

posted by Dan 5:22 PM
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Wednesday, April 04, 2007

 

Dialogue Detritus

MY LITTLE GIRL:
The Invisible Man keeps pushing us over.

ME:
Hm. Maybe we should kick him.

MY LITTLE GIRL:
We can’t see him.
Maybe we should fill the room with poison.

ME:
Okay.
I think it worked.

MY LITTLE GIRL:
Good. I’ll clean up the blood.

Labels: dialogue, true confessions

posted by Dan 4:06 PM
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